


Avalokiteshvara

by Subaruchan192



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angels, Apocalypse, Catholicism, Demons, Developing Friendships, Drama, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Thinks They're Together, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Gen, Goddesses, Gods, Help, Hinduism, Original Character(s), Roman Catholicism, Temporary Amnesia, Translation, fighting the apocalypse, original cases
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2019-10-25 04:47:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17718323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Subaruchan192/pseuds/Subaruchan192
Summary: The Apocalypse is on its peak and the Winchesters try everthing with Castiel's help to stop it. One night, however, a young woman named Catherine appears in front of them, who remembers nothing about herself, but suddenly knows everything about the hunters. Castiel's investigation showed, she is neither a demon, fallen angel nor any other mystical creature. The only thing they know for sure is that their names are engraved into her soul and she owns the ability to sense their emotions. Soon, Castiel suspects her to be Avalokiteshvara, the Hindu Goddess of compassion, who had gone missing a few years ago. Catherine actually is afraid of this thought. Who is she and why was she brought to them? The Winchester's have another case to solve and Catherine needs to find her place.~*~I just thought it would be nice for the Winchesters to have someone to talk to and to be honest, they do some stupid stuff over their journey. I have the impression, they need someone to talk sense into them, so that's why I created Catherine. I hope you're going to like her. :) Be aware, it's a translation of my german fanfiction.





	1. A girl with no memories

**Author's Note:**

> I just thought the Winchester's and Castiel could need some mental support. This is a translation of my German fanfiction.

  1. Chapter: The girl without memories



The first thing she noticed was the sound, when the weapons aimed at her. She felt, how her heart began to race and how adrenalin ran through her veins, but her mind stayed calm. For whatever reason she was not feeling scared. Slowly, she opened her eyes and saw- for her surprise- that she was standing on green grass on which some water drops were running down.

“Who are you?”, a male voice asked and she immediately noticed, how something wet was hitting her face. She spitted and wiped the liquid away in a fast movement.

“Not a demon.”, a voice said, which was calmer than the first one. What? Demon? What the hell were they talking about?

“We are seeing that,” a third, annoyed voice grumbled. She used her chance to finally have a look at her opponents. Three men were standing in a circle around her. One had brown hair falling down onto his shoulders and was wearing a shirt and a lumberjack shirt above it. The second one had short, dark blonde hair and wore used jeans, shirt and a leather jacket. The third and last one had black hair and wore a brown trench coat and a suit. This man stepped towards her and watched her out of calm eyes.

“Who are you?”, he asked again, although he was much calmer than the first, who asked her that question, but she did not hear him.  Suddenly, pictures and emotion were rushing through her head. It felt like an ocean was crushing over her. When the wave faded, she took a deep breath and smiled slightly.

“Holy water. Of course, you’re trying that first, but as you can see, Castiel’s guess was right. I’m not a demon.”, she said calmly and watched the three of them with big interest.

“Who or what are you?”, the brown-haired man asked again with a deep frown on his forehead.

“Well, and now it is getting complicated, Sam.”, she said, sighed and was immediately watched closely by the three men. Somehow, she had seen this coming. “I have no idea. I think, I’m a human, female as it seems and I think my name is Catherine.”

“You think?”, Dean asked sneeringly.

“Yes, I think.”, she repeated once again and nodded. “I have no memory. I don’t know neither who I am nor when or if I was born nor what I am. The first thing I can remember is how you’re aiming at me with your shotguns.”

“You remember nothing?”, Sam asked.

“Exactly.” She truly knew nothing about herself, but she knew everything about this world and about these three men. The pictured had shown her everything. Just she was a mystery to herself. Her memories were empty.

“How can that be?”

“Do you believe her, Sammy?”

“I don’t know. Cas, what do you think?” Sam Winchester turned towards the black-haired man, who was watching her with great interest. His trench coat was slightly blowing in the wind.

“Are you an angel?”, he suddenly asked out of the blue. Catherine froze for a few moments, her eyes still watching their shotguns. She laid her forehead into wrinkles and thought about it, but then shrugged.

“No idea. I truly don’t know, but it is possible, isn’t it? Anna also had no memory anymore, when she had fallen down on earth, right?” The men blinked in surprise.

“How does she know that?”, Dean asked. Castiel shook his head.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know much today, Cas.”

“No reason to become harsh, Dean.”, Sam said softly.

Catherine licked her lips nervously and shivered. She only wore a short and a spaghetti top, although it was only five degrees. Why was she wearing those clothes? And why is that fact bothering her more than the fact that she was not remembering anything about herself? Strangely, this fact did not make her anaxious. It was like she knew, in the deepest corner of her mind, that it should be this way.

“Guys,” she started slowly. “You can try with me whatever you like. Pour salt down my throat, smash a stake into my heart or burn me. Maybe we gonna get to know what I am like that. Although…” She shook her head. “we should better not do this stake and burning thing. I have the slight feeling that it won’t end well for me no matter what I am.”

“But we have to find out, what you are. No one is appearing out of the blue.”

“Alright, but can we do that inside, please? I am freezing and am hungry.”

“We can’t let her in without knowing what she is.”

“Dean, I understand that.”, Catherine said calmly and stroked a brown curl out of her face. “I would do it the same way, but how can I prove to you that I’m not a threat?”

She frowned and thought about it for a while, then turned towards Castiel.

“Castiel, as an angel of the Lord, you’re able to read my thoughts, right?”

“Not as good as before.”

“Oh, yes, right, disappearing, heavenly powers. I forgot.” She rubbed her eyebrows and then massaged her temples. “Okay, Castiel, I invite you in. Be my guest. I will let down every mental barrier. Read every single thought of me and see, that I have nothing to hide, because there is nothing to hide.”

Everyone stayed quiet for seconds, which seemed like an eternity until Castiel finally shrugged.

“It is worth a shot.”

Slowly, he moved towards her and stopped two steps away from her. She took a deep breath, when the blue eyes penetrated her. She knew that he would look into the deepest corner of her soul and she was not able to dissolve the eye contact. Tough, she did not want to. She did not know, where that feeling was coming from, but she wanted to help them and to do everything so they believe her. It did not matter what they were going to do to her. She had no fear. Neither because of her missing memories nor of the future nor anything else. She should be, she knew that, but everything that mattered was that she was accepted.

She also knew that she should feel uncomfortable, while Castiel was rushing through her thoughts, pulling some towards him and pushing some away, but she did not. It was feeling warm. It felt right. Slowly, the storm was disappearing and was replaced by a soft breeze. Then the angel was gone.

Slowly, Catherine opened her eyes again and looked into blue ones, which were only slightly darker than her own.

“So?”, Dean asked Castiel.

“She is telling the truth.”

“She can’t remember anything?”

“Yes.”, Castiel confirmed. “Her first memory is of us aiming at her with shotguns, but she knows everything about us.”

“How is that possible?” Sam asked, but Castiel only shook his head.

“I don’t know, but I don’t think that she is a threat. She wants to help.”

“Great. Now, that we knew that, can we go inside, before I am losing some of my toes in this cold?”

~*~

A few later, Catherine was sitting in an armchair in an old house. Castiel leaned against a wall and stared at her, while Sam and Dean had left beforehand to get something for dinner.

“Do you really have no idea what I am, Castiel?”, she asked after a while and almost looked pleadingly into the angel’s eyes, but he just shook his head.

“I wish I would.”, the angel said with sympathy in his voice.

“Yes, me too.” Catherine answered and bowed her head. In a smooth movement that did not take longer than a blink of an eye, Castiel kneeled on the floor in front of her.

“May I do another investigation?”, he asked, while he rolled up his sleeves. Catherine watched his movement with a raised eyebrow. She knew exactly what was about to come.

“I had hoped that I could leave the gut digger out.”

Castiel looked back up at her with sadness in his eyes, but there was also this serious gleam.

“I hoped so, too.” He waited for a few moments, than he looked at her sternly. “May I?”

Catherine took a deep breath. Although she was not afraid, she was not feeling comfortable about the thought, that Castiel would turn her inside out. Still, she agreed. Castiel handed her a clean washing cloth, which she put between her teeth without hesitation. In quiet expectation of what was about to come, she clawed her hands into the armrests of the chair.

But even her darkest expectations were nothing against the burning pain that was running through her veins. She screamed into the washing cloth, writhed and shook her head, while the hand of the angel was digging deeper and deeper inside her soul. The pain was overwhelming. It was like hot lava was burning everything inside her. Everything that the holy light touched, and which was too impure, was burned to ashes.

Alarmed by her screams, Dean and Sam stormed into the room.

“Cas, what are you doing?”, Sam shouted and ran towards him to pull the angel away, but Castiel removed his hand voluntary. Catherine had never felt such relief before like she did, when the hand disappeared. A wave of endorphins rushed through her and she sank into the armchair. Sweat ran down her skin and she was breathing heavily.

“It is okay.”, she whispered hoarsely after she had removed the washing cloth. “He asked for my permission and I allowed it, but…”

She looked at Castiel.

“Please, never again.”

The angel nodded and turned to the hunters, while he pulled down his sleeve.

“She is human. Her soul is intact.”

“Good to know, but you still had to dig through her guts, although you already knew that she was not lying?” Sam shook his head and put the fast food bags onto a table.

“I allowed it, because I want to know, what I am. I guess no one of us believes that I am a normal human, right?” Catherine looked at everybody seriously, but no one met the eye contact. She sighed.

“You are human, but…”, Castiel started.

“But what, Cas?”, Dean asked. Catherine had a feeling that she would not like, what she was about to hear.

“But she is…how shall I explain it?” He thought for a while. “Her soul is tagged.”

“Tagged? Tagged by whom?”

“Us.”, he answered with an [auspicious](http://www.dict.cc/englisch-deutsch/auspicious.html) gaze.

“What? Us?”

“Well, tagged might be the wrong word. It is more like…there is a strong connection from her to us. Somehow, we are connected, but it is more like she is the receiver and we are the transmitter.”

“What?”, Sam asked confused and looked at Castiel.

“Well, that would explain, why she suddenly knew everything about us. She is receiving our memories, our emotions and our unconsciousness. I don’t know, why this connection exists, but it’s very strong.”

“Great, another one ghosting inside my brain and reading my mind.”

“I don’t read your mind, Dean. Well, not in the way you’re thinking right now. It is more like I have a good intuition or a strong empathy. Okay, I saw your memories, when I was adjusted to you, but after that I can’t hear your thoughts nor do I dig through your memories.”, she ensured them. It was strange, but the thought that these three could mistrust her, was scaring her. Probably, because she had no memories and no one else despite them.

Dean watched her for a long time and Catherine sighed. Well, let’s see, how this ability that Castiel had mentioned was working.  She closed her eyes and concentrated on Dean, but it seemed like it was not necessary. Immediately she was feeling a surge of emotions and there was that feeling of rightness just like an instinct.

“Dean, I understand that you are concerned. If you don’t know something, you see it as a potential enemy beyond every new company. After all that happened to you, I would be the same, but I already have the angel certification that I am not a threat, right? What else do I need to do so you believe me that I’m just a very empathic human?”

“That exactly is what is concerning me.”, Dean said seriously and leaned against the door frame. Helplessly, Catherine looked at him and stroked a strand of hair out of her face.

“Believe me, I understand better than you think, Dean, but I swear I’m no harm. Castiel is right. I just want to help and I don’t even know why. I have nothing. No memory, no fear, no home. Nothing. Everything is new to me. Why should I hide behind illusions? Do you believe that I can delude Castiel?” She shook her head.

“Dean.”, Castiel said softly and walked towards him. “I believe, she is telling the truth.”

“Are you sure, Cas?”

“Quite. I was not able to find any memories, before we found her and I searched [thorough](http://www.dict.cc/englisch-deutsch/thorough.html). Despite that, she showed no resistance and allowed me to see everything. She even allowed me to investigate her soul, although she knew that this is one of the most painful things she would ever experience. If she wanted to betray us, there would have been at least a little bit of mental resistance when I read her mind, but there was nothing.”

“I think, he is right, Dean. She is no demon and just lonely.” Sam looked sternly at his brother, who then nodded.

“Oh well, let us trust her for the moment.”

“I don’t expect trust, Dean,” said Catherine calmly. “But I ask of you to give me a place to sleep for a few days. I have nowhere else to go. Please.”

Sam nodded, went to the table and handed her a paper bag. The warm, wonderful smell of meat and melted cheese hit her nose and she felt how the water was collecting in her mouth. She had no idea what was inside that bag, but it smelled deliciously. Her stomach grumbled and she blushed immediately, but it seemed like the ice melted in this very moment. Suddenly, Dean and Sam burst into laughter, which made her blush even more.

“She doesn’t seem to be that paranormal, when she is hungry.”, Sam said, while he laughed, and fall into a chair.

“So, it seems.”, Dean smiled. Catherine breathed out in relieve, when she sensed how the mistrust disappeared. In the end, her primary instincts won. She opened the paper bag and ate eagerly that thing, which Dean called a bacon cheeseburger.

~*~

The morning sun already almost reached the zenith, when Catherine woke up on her hard bed. She stretched her sore muscles and tried to ease the pain in her shoulders. The coldness of the last evening had been worse than she would have had expected. She stretched again and sat up, while the dusty blanket fell off her shoulders.

“Good morning.”, the angel said to which she got quickly used to her surprise. It truly seemed like they had a connection.

“Morning, Castiel.” She smiled warmly at him and she almost thought that she saw a little twitch of the corners of his mouth. Just a few moments later, the angel was sitting on the edge of her bed. It seemed like he had learned from Dean’s preaching- at least a little. “I know that you still have questions.”

The angel nodded and looked at her.

“When you were…well, adjusted to us. How did it feel like?”

“It was like a flood or tornado of pictures. Suddenly I was overflowed by fragments, pictures and words. It probably only took a few seconds, but for me it was like I was standing right next to all of you and I had to watch. I saw, how you freed Dean out of hell, I saw how Ruby betrayed Sam and how he broke the last seal. I think, I saw everything, Castiel.” She sighed sadly and shook her head. “So much sadness, pain, anger and desperation. In all of you. It was as if I could feel it myself. It was horrible.”

Catherine noticed how her body started to shake. She took a deep breath and bit her bottom lip to calm down.

“That is…strange.”, Castiel said in a neutral tone that could drive anyone mad. Catherine shook her head again and laughed hollowly.

“Strange is not the word for it, Castiel. I am not really an expert what it means to be a human, but I think to absorb the memories of other individuals is not really characteristic of it, right?”

Castiel just looked at her for a long time.

“Oh, come on! Stop it! You with your all mysterious, supernatural attitude. Can we just leave it like that? I have no bloody clue what I am or how I am able to do all this, okay? Instead, I would like to talk about how I am able to help. I think I am not gonna be very helpful, but I wanna try. Did Sam and Dean leave to search for the apocalyptic riders?”

Castiel still stayed silent.

“Castiel, please. Stop staring at me like I’m an animal in a zoo. Can we just act like I’m just a human with a great empathy and instead deal with stopping the damn apocalypse? Please! I don’t feel very comfortable, when you look at me like this.”

“Apologies,” Castiel said and suddenly he was gone. Catherine blinked in surprise and looked around.

“Great.”

“Did Cas suddenly disappear?” Dean asked, who just passed her door. She nodded.

“And I have a feeling that he’s doing that quite often.”

“Oh yes.” Dean smiled and shrugged. “He’s an angel. I think that was in the job offer. We got breakfast. Are you hungry?”

Catherine nodded and followed him to the kitchen, where the smell of scrambled eggs greeted her. Her stomach rumbled again.

~*~

It was around noon, when the sun shone through the windows. Catherine sat together with Sam and Dean in the living room, while there was a tension in the air, because they were talking about, what to do with Catherine.

“So, you wanna help?”, Dean repeated and Catherine nodded, but the man only raised an eyebrow.  “No offence, but how?”

She hesitated. Well, it seemed like she did not thought that through. She was not a hunter. She was not able to fight. She was useless. A sad sigh left her lips.

“No idea. Normally, I would have offered to be your Snow White and help you cooking and cleaning, but you are living in motels most the time so this is probably not a possibility. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Look, I understand that I am useless and you have no reason to allow me to stay, but please let me stay.”

She almost felt sickness rising in her stomach, when she heard herself begging like that, but she was desperate. Fear swelled inside her. She did not know where else to go. Out of whatever reason she thought that she was supposed to be here.

“I don’t know, where to go. Do you think, it was coincidence that I appeared out of nothing to stumble over an angel and the vessels of Lucifer and Michael? I don’t. I can’t believe that. There must be a reason for me to be here. I must have a use for you.”

Suddenly, there was a tensed silence. Sam and Dean just noticed, how difficult the situation must be for the young woman. She landed somewhere without any memory, without any use, without any connection and suddenly, she was flooded with memories that would drive every normal person insane. Out of an unknown reason all she wanted was to help them ease the madness just to notice that she was not able to. No wonder that she was desperate. Sam and Dean were all she had, but they could not take her with her either. The hunt was far too dangerous and except her gift- that probably did not work with demons or monsters according to what Cas had said-  she had no skills.

Suddenly, Sam had an idea.

“We could take her to Bobby. She can help him with his research and the household. You know everything about monsters and what we do, right?”

Her eyes began to shine, when her hope returned and she nodded eagerly, almost cheerfully.

“Yes, I guess so. At least everything I could have seen and I think that will be enough for now, I hope.”

Dean weighed his head from one side to the other, but then nodded. “Alright, let’s try that.”

~*~

None of them would have expected it to work so well. They did not even think it would work at all, but Catherine seemed to have a sense for the twisted logic of the paranormal. It did not take long for her to gain a solid foundation, so she could help Bobby with his research.

Of course, Bobby had not been very happy at first, when they brought a girl with amnesia to him and so the whole test procedure had started from the beginning. Holy water, salt, silver. At least the rock salt was left out. When Cas confirmed his results again, Bobby at least let them in. Oddly enough, despite all the scepticism, she remained calm. She was still not afraid. It was as if she was firmly convinced that nothing could happen to her.

By now, they had at least found a trace of a strange event. A couple had eaten each other in sexual intercourse. Catherine had stayed behind with Bobby and kept researching, trying to learn as much about the Apocalypse as possible.

Now they had just returned from their trip and had Sam locked right into a bunker deep under Bobby's house. Catherine did not know why, but she felt, how tense everyone was. It was almost like sluggish heaviness that stifled the air. She could barely breathe.

She was about to make a sandwich for them all, at least to add something to the situation, when she heard unbearable cries of help from the basement. Sam begged and begged for help, mixed with soft whimpering. She shook her head as she heard the calls and a nauseous tingling spurted up her spine. Along with the memories from her three channels, she concluded that Sam had probably drunk on demon blood again.

It was not long before Dean stormed out of the basement.

"Dean, I have ..."

"Not now.", he replied and left the house. Catherine watched him for a while, then she heard soft words. She went to the door and saw how Dean prayed to God. Then her instinct kicked in. She intuitively sensed, what she might do and gave in to it. What other experience did she have in human interaction? She only had her instinct.

Slowly she left the kitchen and went down the steps in the cellars. The plea grew louder and louder and heavier, but she kept walking down the steps. As she stepped into the small hallway that led to the bunker, she saw Castiel still leaning against the wall by the door, looking sadly at the floor.

When he heard her footsteps, he only looked up for a moment, then his eyes went down again.

"Cas ... please, please, help me!" Sam begged from the other side of the door. Barely perceptible the angel flinched, but Catherine did not miss it.

"Castiel.", she said softly.

"I will not let him out."

"I didn’t want that, Castiel. I know, he drank demon blood. "

"What do you want then?" The angel looked up again and pierced her with his eyes. Should she not feel uncomfortable? After all, she stared at an angel. What the hell was wrong with her? But all this was overshadowed by the strong feelings that were in her and the strong instinct in her.

"Dean doesn’t feel well. He's overwhelmed, Castiel, and desperate. "

"We all are."

"No, Castiel, you don’t understand. He is just praying that ... "

"So?"

"I think, what would help him is if you go to him, put a hand on his shoulder and say you're here."

"But I'm always here.", Castiel replied confused.

"That's not it, Castiel. The human psyche is sometimes difficult, I like to admit, but Dean looks up to you, he trusts you, Castiel, and he can’t stand this anymore. The fear that his destiny is predetermined, that at some point, he will say yes to Michael or Sam will give in to Lucifer. He could need a little encouragement. I think, he would like to hear that you believe, he is strong enough because he has doubts. "

Catherine looked at Castiel for a long time, but he was silent and did not move. She sensed that she could have arrived a turning point and something inside her said that she would have to go on to help.

Castiel bit his lower lip and was silent again. Carefully, almost cautiously, Catherine approached him until, as Dean would call it, she entered the private sphere. Gentle, pale blue eyes looked at him.

"You are afraid that he will not be strong enough to resist Michael or Sam might say yes. You’re afraid that all this is a big mistake. You’re afraid that you have rebelled against your beloved father and have risked everything to find that everything was in vain, that you have buried your faith and trust in vain, that free will is only an illusion and that fate will keep its upper hnd. "

She saw in his eyes that she was right. They widened and became even sadder.

"Yes.", he finally admitted. "I want to trust Dean, but ..."

The rest remained unspoken. Castiel did not want to say it, because otherwise his fears would become real to him. Catherine just nodded.

"I don’t know, if it helps you, Castiel, or if you want to hear it, but ..." Carefully, she put a hand to his cheek and he closed his eyes briefly. "I believe, you are doing the right thing. I believe that all your sacrifices will not be in vain. "

Something strange happened. Strange even for the angel. When Catherine touched him, it felt warm. All the fears, worries and grief disappeared from his soul. It was like taking her from him. He could not help, but his eyes closed and lean against her. Catherine gently stroked his cheekbone and held him with a smile until all the dark thoughts of Castiel's soul disappeared and he felt calm.

"I know, what you are, now. Even if I thought you were already dead.", he whispered after a while and broke away from her. Now, it was him, who took her face in her hands and stroked her cheek gently. Catherine looked surprised in his eyes. Her heart was up to her neck.

"And what am I?"

"You are Avalokiteshvara. The Buddhist goddess of compassion. "

~*~

"I’m what?", Catherine said in a nearly shrill voice. Castiel just looked at her calmly and stroked her cheek again.

"I think, you're the goddess of compassion, Catherine." She just shook her head open-mouthed, trying to grasp what the angel was telling her. Her mind did not want to understand it. Angels, devils, demons, sirens, apocalyptic riders, she had accepted all that without batting an eyelash, but she was a goddess? That was probably the biggest nonsense.

"I’m a goddess? I mean, you said, I was human and shouldn’t I remember anything then? "

"It doesn’t fit perfectly, especially since we thought that you would have died long ago, but it would explain your gifts."

"What gifts?", she asked desperately. "Well, I do not seem to have a bad empathy, but that's it."

Castiel shook his head, too. Not because of their possible stupidity, but to refute their acceptance.

"You have a gift, Catherine.", he said softly. "You can relieve suffering. You surely felt it. This sense of what we feel, what we need to hear, and what suffering plagues us the most. "

"That doesn’t make sense."

"Isn’t that the definition of the supernatural?", he asked quietly, but Catherine shook her head, aghast. She could not believe it. She did not want to believe it. Hastily, she turned and wanted to leave, but she stopped for a moment.

"Maybe I am what you think, Castiel. I do not believe it, you believe it, but in the end,  it does not matter, right? But if I'm really what you think, then listen to my advice and talk to Dean. He needs you now."

She heard the beating of wings and felt, how Castiel disappeared. She, on the other hand, stayed behind with Sam’s whimpering and the cry for help. Helpless, she leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. She had to digest everything first.

Dean did not turn around when he heard the angel appearing behind him. He could not look at him right now. He could not stand it. They all wanted something from him, they all demanded more sacrifices. What did Castiel want from him?

To his surprise, however, Castiel just stepped up to him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Dean, I know that's overwhelming for you.", he said in that damn calm, compassionate voice.

"That's an understatement.", Dean snapped.

"I know that you are afraid. That you feel too insignificant and do not understand all that."

"And you want to tell me now that all this is not true? After all, I am the outsider and all the shit. I just have to accept my fate, blah, blah. "

"No, I do not want to tell you that." Castiel pushed a little closer. "I just want to tell you that no matter what, no matter how it ends, I'm with you. I will not let Sam and you down. I promise."

Dean had to admit that he was surprised by these words. He did not think to hear these words from the angel. He would have expected that the angel tried to encourage him, to take away his doubts so that he would continue to serve as a pretty little chess figure, but that was the opposite of it. It was as if he had suddenly learned sensitivity. Even if he did not want to admit it, Dean needed that. He was afraid that, when all had come to an end, he'd gotten away like a piece of filth, because that's what they were to the angels, right? Nothing more than a cheap, unimportant toy, but now Cas told him that that was not the case. It surprised him, but he could not deny that the angel really tried to comfort him.

"Thanks, Cas."


	2. the Goddess of compassion

The comparison with the zoo animals suddenly did not feel like a joke. She herself sat on the couch in Bobby's living room, with a cup of coffee in front of her, the table covered with old books and parchments. The rest of the group was spread across the room. Sam sat on a worn leather armchair and looked at her thoughtfully, Castiel leaned against a sideboard and Dean against a doorframe. However, they all consciously kept their distance from her, which caused her discomfort. They all pierced her with their gazes and she would slide back, if she wasn’t already sitting in the very corner of the couch. The quiet familiarity she had felt for a few days had disappeared. Presumably that was because of the unbelief she saw in the eyes of the two brothers. Catherine did not know, how long they have been staring at her as if they had seen a ghost. But they were probably not staring at a ghost like that. At least, Sam had recovered from the withdrawal and could be back with them.

Eventually, Dean cleared his throat after what felt like eternity and turned to the angel.

"So, Castiel, you really want to tell us that she's a goddess?"

"Avalokiteshvara, the Buddhist goddess of compassion, yes."

The two brothers looked at each other and then at Catherine, while Dean raised an eyebrow.

"And, does that say something to you, Catherine?”, Sam asked her.

"You mean, if I suddenly have my memories back? If there a big bell ringing somewhere inside me and announcing that I hit the jackpot?”, she said sarcastically and sighed deeply. "No, I'm sorry. This name sounds as foreign to me as it does to you. "

"And you are sure, Cas?"

"Pretty sure, yes."

"But why does my soul feel human? How can’t I remember anything and so much more?” She looked at Castiel, who only showed his well-known gaze to the floor.

"I don’t quite understand it yet, but maybe we will with time."

Catherine leaned back in the chair and took a sip of coffee. The warm liquid rushing down her oesophagus calmed her. After that, she looked up again and shook her head as they continued to stare at her as if she were an absurdity in a circus that had to begin to shine any moment. Apparently, a potential Goddess was not too commonplace for the Winchesters.

"To be honest, I would like to understand all that, but the past is past, isn’t it? What does it bring to chase a shadow? What would it change? Would it change, who I am? Should it change my character? I like the way I am. I feel balanced and calm. The look into the past and into the future does not scare me. I know, it should with the apocalypse that's going on right now, but inside of me is the strong feeling that it has to be that way. I am, where I belong, you understand? "

She looked around, but saw nothing but irritated faces.

"Fine, you don’t." She licked her lips and sighed. She ran her fingers through her hair. It really was not easy to explain. She could scarcely put it into words, and possibly using the word destiny made her shudder. "I’m in peace with myself, okay? Something that is probably rare in today's society of humans. If I find my memories, then there is only the danger that I will get into imbalance. The only thing that interests me is to help and for that, I have to find out if I have powers, and if so, which ones. Maybe some of them are useful, but that does not have to be your problem. It _should_ not be your problem. I have to find that out myself."

"Why do you want to help us?", Dean asked confused. "Most people would try get away from us as far as possible."

Catherine laughed softly.

"Yes, they probably would and maybe I should, too, but I have no experience of how danger and fear feel like. Maybe that's why amnesia is not so bad for me. Besides, from a logical point of view, if you don’t stop the apocalypse, then we all go bite the dust, right? So, help is necessary for survival. So maybe there is at least the tiniest chance to survive."

Again, this tense silence prevailed, invading her like electricity. Of course, for the boys, the situation was as strange as it was for her, and everything was hanging by a thread. Although they had already allowed her to stay, but whether they were willing to allowing a potential goddess with amnesia to stay, was a completely different number.

Catherine closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I may not be afraid of the past and not the apocalypse, but I'm afraid Castiel is wrong. Maybe I was a goddess, or whatever, maybe I'm just a descendant or whatever, but I don’t care. After what I've seen in your memories so far, a trickster is not a good thing and he's just a kind of demigod. So, what if I'm not a goddess of compassion? What if I am something else? I don’t want to turn into a fanatical being. No matter, who you are, power pollutes everyone, right? The thought I could be a goddess scares me so I'm not particularly keen on investigating, okay?"

The clock in the corner seemed a bit too loud, or had it just become that quiet? Catherine took another deep breath and tried to suppress the tremor, which ran through her body like dancing skeletons. Was that what was called fear? No, that was stronger, that was panic. An inner warning that she should not dig deeper and she was not keen on digging her grave.

"I think..." Sam started slowly as he watched her for some time and apparently noticed her fear. "She is right. We can use any help and she really has a talent for it."

Dean shrugged.

"You are the head here. Cas, what do you mean? Is she a ticking bomb?"

Castiel took a few steps toward her and Catherine eased off uncomfortably. Normally, angels were not judges, right? Her heart began beating furiously as she looked into the blue eyes.

"Castiel..."

"Do not worry, Catherine, I won’t hurt you." Why was she suddenly so scared? Earlier, that had been something else. There was a different bond between them. When she had touched him, when she had done something good to him, there had been a strong bond that seemed as pure as silk. So fine and promiscuous and confusing.

But that felt different now. Now, he truly reminded them of the warriors of God, who had ruthlessly raged through the Old Testament. Deep behind the sad eyes was a steely wall that showed that in some moments he would and will be tough.

"Castiel..." She swallowed.

"I don’t think she's a danger. Even if she regains her memories or her full powers, as much as I know about her, she will not harm us."

"And what do you know about her?", Dean asked.

"Avalokiteshvara was the goddess of compassion in Mayhana Buddhism. This is a mainstream of Buddhism and..." Castiel looked at his friends. "Obviously not that important. Well, she is considered as the universal compassion, even stronger than the one supposed to be provided by some of us. It is said that they give compassion to all, who ask for it."

"Compassion? And how exactly should that help us? "

"We'll find out, Dean.", Castiel said. "But she always was, at least the legends say so, good-natured and gentle."

"Always at your service!", Catherine said, smiling uncertainly. "I guess."

~*~

It was cold as she sat down on the hood of a car and watched the stars. Everything appeared so calm and peaceful. No cloud drifted across the sky, and the moon was shining down on them, bathing everything in its milky light. It was so friendly and clear that it even gave the junkyard a certain romance and melancholy. Catherine thought as she gazed at a red Mustang blindly looking from his resting place, that this would probably be a nice photo opportunity, but she had nothing to record it with.

She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. She felt upset and overwhelmed and hoped to scalm down a bit because of this peaceful view. The conversation, all the cognitions were truly overwhelming and she felt the need to get out of it all. She wondered that she was much more confused now than she was on her first day, but she felt as if her stomach was riding a roller coaster.

"Hey..."

Catherine was startled and spun around, but she instantly relaxed. Beside her, Sam was holding two bottles of beer in his hand.

"Hey.", she replied as she exhaled deeply. Sam smiled gently and held out a bottle.

"Do you want one?"

"Why not?" She smiled and took a bottle from Sam. "Thank you."

Sam smiled briefly and then looked up at the sky. Catherine did the same and took a sip of the beer. When the liquid touched her tongue, she had to cough. It tasted terribly bitter. At least, more bitter than she had expected. Sam looked to her and laughed softly.

"You don’t know beer."

"Everything is new to me.", she said calmly, looking more sceptically at the beer. "Even the bacon cheeseburger, though I have to say, it was a very enjoyable experience."

Sam laughed again.

"Then you have something in common with my brother."

Catherine's mouth twitched slightly, but she felt uncomfortable. She felt out of place. It was not right that she was sitting here and was a stranger and yet knew so intimate with the brothers. She had not heard it from them. She had not been able to ask for their permission and all of a sudden, she realized that. Despite everything, Sam and Dean had accepted her, taken her in, gave her food, clothes, and shelter. Suddenly, she felt shabby and even like a parasite.

"Do you believe in what Castiel said, Catherine?", Sam asked after a while, while they had stood silent. Catherine sighed and shrugged.

"No idea." She closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. Without realizing it, she took another sip of the beer. Gradually she got used to the taste. "Honestly, Sam, I don’t want to think about it anymore."

"But why?"

"You know," she said slowly. "What I said earlier is true. I'm scared to find out, what I am. I mean, what are the odds that it's a good thing? "

"There's some truth in it.", Sam admitted.

"I just have the gut feeling that I shouldn’t find out, what I a and I just have my instinct to rely on. If I start to doubt it, then I have nothing left to believe in. "

Sam's eyes hung on her for a while.

"I don’t think, I have to tell you, what it's like when the predetermined destiny seems too big and you feel like David against Goliath. What does it mean, if I am truly a goddess? What is my purpose then? Do I have to go somewhere in the sky and live far away, look down on the earth and think to myself: Such a nice doll house? I mean, if an angel is as foreign as Castiel, what about gods then?" Catherine shook her head wearily. "Condemn me, I would not blame you for your it, but maybe it's a runaway tactic. I think, I have amnesia for no reason. If we happen to find out something, I won’t complain, but I will not actively search."

Sam shrugged.

"I don’t blame you."

Catherine hesitated for a while, but then she collected her courage.

"Sam?"

"Yes?"

She hesitated and licked her lips.

"I noticed that I haven’t even thank you for taking me in. Sorry." She smiled ashamed. "Well, thank you."

Sam just smiled.

"No need, Catherine. We know, what it's like not to belong anywhere. We talked, Catherine, Dean, Bobby and I. You are welcome to stay as long as you want. To be honest, you are very useful."

Catherine laughed.

"Thank you, I take that as a compliment."

"Most would take that as an insult and complain."

"I think there's no question that I'm not normal, Sam, and I’m not like others." She laughed loudly and took the last sip of her beer. No, she could not imagine that anything was better than being human.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter :) 
> 
> Have a nice weekend. Subaru


	3. The all determining conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has a serious talk with Catherine and Catherine shows her empathy.

The room, they had offered to Catherine, was on the first floor of Bobby’s house. It was simple, but comfortable furnished. In front of the window was a willow bowing gently in the wind. A single bed with an iron frame was in the middle, but there was a wardrobe. The rest of the room was stuffed with books about mystical creatures and religion. Obviously, Bobby needed some space to store his collection.

It was late in the evening on this eventful day. Catherine laid on her bed and tried to order the pictures and thoughts, which were running through her head. The prospect of success was low, though. Everything inside of her was running in circles and every time she thought, she was able to assess or work out something, it reappeared in disguise again. Catherine sighed in frustration. It made no sense to continue like that or she would never come to an end. Probably, she should try to get some sleep and her identity would magically be revealed to her.

Just when she was about to get ready for bed, there was a knock on the door. She blinked and sat up.

“Come in.”, she said confused. Actually, Sam and Dean had withdrawn themselves to assess the situation and Castiel wanted to keep looking for any hints of Famine and Death. Who would be knocking on her door? For a moment, she believed it could be a monster or something similar, but they surely wouldn’t knock. Probably, there weren’t many polite monsters out there. At least the infused memories showed none. In the end, the door opened and Dean stepped in.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” She smiled. “I really am at a premium today.”

“Well, you’re new. New is always interesting.”, Dean replied, while he still stood in the door frame. Catherine snorted briefly in amusement and nodded in agreement. “Can I come in?”

“Sure.” She still smiled friendly and sat cross-legged on her bed. “What can I do for you?”

Dean entered the room and closed the door quietly, then leaned against a small table, which found its place somewhere within this tiny room.

“Catherine, I just wanted…” Dean stopped and lowered his gaze. His green eyes were sad. Catherine waited for a while, but Dean was still struggling with the words.

“I want to apologise.”, he finally said and she blinked in surprise.

“For what?”

“I wasn’t…” He still didn’t like to say the words. “I wasn’t very friendly, okay?”

Catherine blinked once again.

“You had every right to be sceptical, Dean. You want to protect your family and I’m a potential threat, there is no doubt about it. I know that.”, she said calmly and stroked over her arm in an assurance, she was real and human and she hadn’t suddenly developed scales or something like that. “I’m grateful for you hosting me. I’m not sure, if I do in your position.”

Dean looked at her confused and stayed silent. Catherine was aware, she had surprised him. He had expected her to blame him, maybe even to shout, but he would have never guessed for her to understand his sorrows. After a while, he cleared his throat and smiled insecurely.  The situation truly was bizarre. She knew all of the Winchesters and Castiel, was maybe a Goddess and she wasn’t able to share her own memories in return.

“Good, well, now that this is settled…” He turned around and wanted to leave, but Catherine’s instinct was ringing again.

“Dean, wait.” The hunter stopped and sighed.

“Not the forename thing again. Why is everybody saying my name all the time?”

“Don’t know. Maybe, because it’s quite melodic?” It took some moments, but then she heard a quiet laughter.

“That could be.”, he said and took another step.

“Are you able to cope with all of this?”, she finally asked straight. Dean seemed to turn into a pillar of salt. His right food only touched the floor with its heel.

“Yes.”, he said too quickly and with too much emphasis to be believable in Catherine’s opinion. “Yes, I can handle it.”

“Did anyone ever tell you that you're a damn bad liar?” Dean tilted his head, but then shook it.

“No, never.”

“Then, I’ll do it: You’re a damn bad liar.” Dean turned his head to her and smiled slightly.

“And you say that to the one offering you a roof over your head.”

“Well, this is a free country, isn’t it?”, Catherine asked cheekily.

“Not in this house. This is a dictatorship.”, Dean replied, not being able to hide his sarcasm and his eyes sparkled in delight. Catherine smiled and shook her head. She sensed how the atmosphere eased and also her relation to Dean improved. “At least, you’ve humour.”

“Okay, I’ll write that down on my character sheet.” She smiled. “But hey, I still don’t know, if you’re fine. I’m sorry, if I’m going too far, but do you wanna talk?”

Dean hesitated and starred at her.

“Why should I do that?”

“Well, maybe, because I’m different? Because I’m a foreigner?”

“Exactly. Why should I talk about it with you of all people?”, he asked sceptically.

“I know, you don’t want to talk to Sam, because you need to be strong as his older brother and you want to protect him. I’m not a relative, at least I think so, but I admire you for it and I think, I understand a little, what it means due to your memories. And Well, Castiel isn’t the most sensible person and talking to him isn’t really easy. You trust him, but you don’t want to take this final step.” She looked back up to him. “Isn’t it like that?”

Widened eyes starred at her in surprise. Catherine sensed, they had reached a crossroad, which would define their relation. Finally, Dean shook his head and ruffled over his neck.

“That’s unsettling.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t intend it to be. Dean, I won’t force you, but I’m noticing, how much you’re struggling and how desperate you are. I can’t even imagine, what must be going on within you. All I can offer is to listen. You can be whoever you want to be with me and tell me everything. I would never judge you. I don’t usurp me to. It’s just a thanks to you for letting me stay.”

Dean hesitated for a long time, blinked and then looked directly at her.

“Did you send Castiel to me?” It was now Catherine’s turn to be surprised. How he had been able to figure it out was beyond her, but she didn’t care.

“Well, _send_ isn’t the right word, but yes, he came, because of me. I set him thinking. When you saw, how you rushed past me and heard, how you prayed for help, I told him to go to you.”

“Did you tell him, how to…”, Dean asked hesitantly. Catherine knew, what he was going to ask and shook her head.

“No, I didn’t put words into his mouth. I told him, he should probably go to you and what you likely wanted to hear, but it was his decision, if he did so. I only gave an advice.” She sighed and rubbed her eyebrows. “Listen, Dean, I believe, what Castiel said was honest. Angels are even worse liars than you, especially Castiel.”

The corners of her mouth twitched, but then she looked at him.

“Castiel’s afraid, too.”

“Cas? Afraid?”, Dean asked disbelievingly and snorted.”

“Yes, he is.” Catherine nodded determined. “It isn’t for him, too.”

Yes, their relation was on a crossroad and with the next words, it could be damaged before it even started, but Catherine wanted that the three were able to understand each other. Sadly, it appeared that Sam and Dean imposed the wrong standards on Castiel. They judged him according to human standards, but that was unfair. He was an angel after all.

“Castiel asked you once, if you would rebel against your father’s order, right? I don’t want to know the answer, you gave him, you have to do that on your own, now, but God is Castiel’s father and it had imprinted into him to obey without question, to make him proud for several thousand years. Aren’t you able to understand him at least a little?”

“Are you on his side, now?”, Dean asked with scorn in his voice.

“I’m on nobody’s side, Dean.”, she said determinedly and looked at him in sadness. “But you’re right in the middle of the worst war Earth had ever faced and you need to work together. The easiest way to achieve that is through understanding for one another and because you’re not the masters of communication…”

She shrugged helplessly and then took a deep breath to continue: “Dean, I don’t justify him, but maybe you should try to see it from his perspective. It’s not easy for him to step up against the mantras dinned into him. Is it easy to question all the things ever taught to you? He did, because of you, Dean, because you made him overthink things. He’s still afraid, though, that his believe in humanity, which you’ve given to him, turns out to be wrong and that he’d betrayed his family for nothing.”

Dean starred at her like Catherine was suddenly speaking Aramaic. She sighed and ran her fingers through her long, fine hair. Maybe, there was another way to make him understand.

“Dean, may I ask you something?”

“Oh, the preach is done?” Catherine rolled her eyes due to his snippy tone. Yes, Dean was impulsive.

“I don’t want to attack you, Dean, if you’re having this impression. So, may I?”

“Meh.”

“Did you ever ask Castiel, what they did to him, when he was dragged back to heaven?” Deans gaze turned guilty and it gave her the answer. “So, you didn’t. Listen, Dean, it’s not up to me to tell, but it wasn’t nice.”

“Did he tell you?”

“No.”, she said calmly. “I didn’t just see your common memories. I also saw your individuals up from the point you picked up Sam from Stanford. I _saw_ and _felt_ , what they did to him to force their convictions back on him, but he’s still here. Dean, it contradicts his deepest convictions, morals and beliefs to disobey an order, but he still does. Yes, he made mistakes, but you should not blame him. For him, there have been no decisions to be made. The question of whether it is right or wrong has never been asked. He has to learn to assess all that, he has to learn to understand, how the human psyche works. When he hurts you, when he goes too far. It's not easy and you can’t expect him to be human right away.”

Dean stayed silent and said nothing. Catherine saw, how his eyes wandered behind his lids and it told, his thoughts were running wild. Slowly, she stood up and walked to him. She carefully touched his shoulder and it made him look up. She was glad, he wasn’t pushing her away, because it showed, she didn’t screw up completely yet. She couldn’t risk it. She needed to prove to Dean that she wasn’t a threat.

“Now, I’m feeling miserable.”, he murmured suddenly.

“Dean, I don’t want to blame you, because it will only increase the distance between you. I just wanted to explain to you, that I understand you, but I’m also able to understand him. So, I can… how shall I put it?... translate the behaviour of angels into human. I don’t expect you to accept, but you should think about it.”

Dean stayed silent again and closed his eyes. Catherine carefully moved her hand a little and touched his cheek. Immediately, his shoulders slumped and he relaxed a little.

“Wasn’t I supposed to talk?”, he asked tiredly.

“You still can, if you want to, but I’d the impression, it was more important to tell you that. It was just a feeling in my guts and hey…” Gently, her thumb brushed over his jaw. Inwardly, she was still awaited Dean would push her away, but he didn’t. Instead, he only looked at her with his big, green eyes, which had already seen so much pain. “I can’t imagine, how it must feel like to carry the world’s destiny on your shoulders, to make sure, it won’t go down and protect your little brother next to it. There isn’t much I can do, but I’m here, if you wanna talk.”

“To preach me again?”

“I never wanted to, Dean. I only saw, what you’ve been through, I’ve never experienced it. I’m aware, I’ve no clue, how it’s like. I just thought, I should tell you. I never wanted to hold a preach, to judge or to unsettle.” Her bright blue eyes pierced through Dean’s. “You’re talking a lot _to_ each other, even about your feelings, but at the same time, you often talk _past_ each or don’t listen carefully.”

Dean lowered his gaze to the floor. Catherine’s heart speeded up. She had risked a lot. Dean wasn’t able to take criticism, at least it appeared like it. Maybe, she had gone too far?

“I don’t know, how to handle it all.”, he finally said after a while. Dean folded his hands and starred onto a fix point somewhere next to Catherine.

“What’s troubling you the most?”

Dean hesitated, but then suddenly jumped up and started to pace up and down like a caged feline predator. Catherine watched him compassionately. The pressure must be immense, when even Dean, who was used to it, got nervous and showed it openly.

“Everything!”, he exclaimed and ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s just so frustrating. As soon as we have taken a step, the opponents are one step ahead. Everyone tells me to give in to Michael. That it would be better, but it feels _wrong_. I should doom humanity?”

Dean stopped and starred out of the window. Catherine looked at him in sadness and also pushed herself away from the table. Slowly, she walked up to him and briefly stroked over his arm. Dean closed his eyes and she noticed, how his body started to shiver.

“But what if I fail?”

“Then it comes as it had to, Dean, but at least you've tried everything.” For a long time, it remained silent. Neither moved. Dean struggled with the responsibility given to him, while Catherine tried to convey him, she was there, even though she couldn’t do much.

“You really are a strange woman, Catherine.”, Dean finally said and laughed hollowly. Catherine rubbed his arm again. “To see it like this.”

“I know, but in a purely objective way, that's how it is. The Apocalypse will come and we will all die anyway. We can either run away and hide until it's all over, or we can do what you're doing right now. We fight and if only for the tiniest chance of success.”

Dean turned to look at her with a few tears in his eyes.

“If anyone can do it, then that is you. I believe in you and you are not alone either.” Dean smiled slightly and quickly wiped the tears from his eyes.

“You're right. Forget what I said.”

“Never and you had everything right to think like that. Dean, being scared is normal, even for a hunter. Fear makes us attentive and protects us from carelessness.”

“What are you most afraid of? Obviously not death.”

“Yes, not really.” She laughed softly. “It'll come sometime anyway and get me. So why should I worry about that? What I am most afraid of is being alone. I don’t know why, but the thought is unbearable to me.”

She shuddered at the thought.

“Alright, I think that's something we can prevent.”, Dean said gently.

“Really?”, she asked him in astonishment.

“Really. I know that scary feeling.”, he explained, patting her hand gently.

“Why do humans have to be social animals, hmm?” Catherine laughed. Dean laughed with her and nodded.

“Alright...uhm... sleep well, Catherine.”, he suddenly interrupted their conversation and pulled back. He was still trying to be careful so he could push her away, if necessary. He still tried to protect himself. Catherine understood and just nodded. Just before he left the room, he turned around once more.

“And thank you for the conversation.”

“Always my pleasure.”, she said with a smile. Dean nodded and then the door slammed shut. Catherine stared at it for a while, then moaned and fell back onto her bed. Great, she could forget sleep for the night.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it :)


End file.
